An Open Rejection Letter

Hi Writer, ☹

We know you worked very hard on this submission. You very likely stayed up late working and reworking it, editing and re-editing it, poring over every word choice perhaps almost to the brink of blindness. You pulled your heart out and bled there onto the page. Yeah… so now we’re just gonna shit on all that.

We’re going to give you the numbers of how many other people did the same thing, but obviously way better than you. Woe is us, right? We had to literally read all this stuff we asked for. Those we selected may not have actually worked at all on their stuff half as much as you did, but they have a huge following on Twitter and we want to suck their social media lifeblood for what its worth for our own personal advancement and/or profit.

The fact of the matter is: this is pretty much our standard boilerplate letter and you are lucky we even included you on the mail merge for the pile of emails we made an intern send. We could have just as likely ghosted you and let you think somewhere in the recesses of your pitiful mind that you still had a shot we’d accept it.

Haha! Too bad. Yeah, we may include a little note that mentions how Title of Your Submission was a great attempt and how we’d love to keep updated on it — if you ever do more work on it, implying of course that it just sucks and you should stop writing. Altogether.

We hope you’ll still pay money to subscribe to our stuff and or see other people’s stuff that we chose over yours. We’ll also add you to our mailing list as a reminder every month of how shitty you felt getting this letter.

Did we not kill your hopes enough yet? Are you really still reading this? You don’t think it’ll turn around in the last paragraph do you? Well, it’s not.

Polite valediction,

Person who didn’t even read your thing

My Title so you know how important I am
emailofmyassistant’sassistant@mycompanyname.org

enc: remains of your heart/dignity